Signs of Narcissistic Abuse- How To Be Safe and How To Leave

**Trigger Warning!** 

The following statements have been said by narcissists to myself, to my friends and family, and to other people I know. 

  

"You're being irrational" --- "You're always making sh*t up in your head" --- "You need help" --- "You're so childish/immature" --- "Whatever." --- "if you wouldn't piss me off, I wouldn't have to say mean things to you" --- "Go ahead and tell them about me. I will make your life a living hell b*tch" --- "Just try, you will lose" --- "Poor you" --- "No wonder I do drugs" --- "No one can ever love you like I do" --- "You're crazy" --- "You're lazy" --- "You're too sensitive" --- "Women are here to serve men!" --- "It's always something with you" --- "You are delusional"...

        When I was dating my ex, I never realized that he was a narcissist. My ex would share my secrets; criticize me in public; take jabs at my intelligence; gaslit me; kept my family and friends away; and worst of all, he made me feel crazy, then reminded me multiple times a day that I was.
     

       Narcissists always act normal in the beginning; loving; caring; helpful; make you feel on top of the world. But usually after a couple weeks, months, even years, it'll start coming out. Usually slowly at first, starts with yelling, then name calling, then throwing things, then eventually to things getting physical. Once they get physically, a lot of people think that they can't get out of the relationship because their partner will hurt them, or cause a lot of trouble, or that people just won't believe them.

        But I am here to tell you today, that what they're doing, is not okay. Narcissists can be men or women. and men or women can be abused. But no matter what, it is not okay for your partner to abuse you physically, mentally, or verbally. Even parents can be narcissists. (you can read my narcissistic parenting and the cycle of child abuse blog here).

        If this feels familiar, these are some signs you may be living with a narcissistic abuser. Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, fragile ego, inability to receive criticism (resulting in narcissistic rage), and an inflated sense of entitlement. Narcissism develops through both personality and early childhood experiences, often resulting from traumatic or invalidating environments where the narcissist’s ego was severely damaged. 

        In order to cope with this ego damage, the narcissist will project these inadequacies onto their loved ones – children, friends, family, and most often their partner. This is called narcissistic abuse; the psychological or emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist projected onto their victim. This includes gas lighting, name calling, put-downs, public humiliation, isolation, tyrannical lifestyle, financial withholding, shaming, body shaming, manipulation, and control. 

If you believe that you or someone you know is living with a narcissistic abuser, here are some things to remember: 

1. 1. It’s not your fault. You are not what they say you are. Their criticisms are a projection of their own insecurities. 

2. 2. Abuse is not only physical – scare tactics, threats, humiliation, shaming, and control are also forms of abuse. 

3. 3. You are not powerless. Narcissists slowly erode their victim’s self-worth over time, leading them to believe they are powerless. Do not give in.

4. 4. Use your support system. Write down your thoughts and share them with others. It becomes more difficult for your abuser to gaslight you if you have an outside perspective. 

5. 5. You are most likely overly empathetic or codependent – the role you play is feeding their ego. Take a step back and reevaluate how you are contributing to the dynamic. 

6. 6. You are not alone! There are many forms of support out there, including individual therapists and groups designated to survivors of narcissistic abuse. Utilize your resources and provide yourself the ultimate self-care of reaching out for support. 

7. 
   

        Leaving a narcissistic relationship is likely to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Narcissists depend on their supply — the people they emotionally, financially, and psychologically drain. They need someone to abuse and manipulate to fulfill their needs and to constantly prove to themselves they are better, stronger, and smarter than everyone else. 

        Through the love bombing, the gas-lighting, and the constant battles, you'll already be exhausted, so leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist is tough. But it is possible as long as you trust your gut and have firm boundaries, and keep reminding yourself why you need to walk away. 

        Here's what you need to know to make sure you can get out of the potentially dangerous situation, and what to do to finally leave the abusive narcissist behind forever.

Don't give them "one more chance."

        It takes the average person seven times to leave an abusive relationship. If you leave them, they might try and seduce you back so they can dump you. Because everything needs to be on their terms, and if they are physically violent, there is no telling if they will be even more violent with you. If the narcissist isn't ready for you to leave yet, they will probably turn on the waterworks and plead with you, telling you how sorry they are. But you shouldn't risk giving them another chance to hurt you again. You never know when in those seven times your nine lives will be gone.

Don't tell them you're leaving. 

      

          You shouldn't tell the narcissist you want to end the relationship right away. That might seem counterintuitive, but the toxic person will absolutely follow with one of two things. They will either start love bombing you to keep you emotionally trapped in the relationship through trauma bonding or their behaviors will become even more poisonous and potentially damaging to your overall wellness, physical safety or reputation. Sometimes all three.

Make a copy of all your documents.

      

     

     This is especially important if you are from a different country, as the abuser might hide your documents so you can't escape. Narcissists are very known to take your stuff away. So if they have your passport, track it down. At the very least, try to locate it, take some photos, and send them to your email. Get ahold of anything you can, including proof of address, bank details, and anything else official. Either wait until they are out, or trick them by saying you need your documents to fill out an application.

Make sure you have spare cash.

        

   

     If you're thinking about leaving, make sure you set up your own bank account. This might need to be done a little bit in advance, so you definitely have your own money. If they are a financial abuser, you will have to do this in secret so they don't cut you off entirely.

Report what happened to you.

   

    

         You may not feel you want to escalate the situation to the police, but it's important to report what happened to you. If you don't want to get the legal system involved, you can talk to your doctor. When you go in, make sure you say something like 'I need your help, I have been abused, and I have been told I need to speak to my doctor.' Even if your doctor isn't trained in domestic violence, a lot of them have an idea of what to do. They might get you a referral to an anxiety service or depression service. Having all of this on record helps you if you want to make a case in the future.

Log out of everything.

       

         If you leave yourself logged in to any of the abuser's devices, they can track what you're doing. So make a list of everything you think you've signed into, entered your card details into, or set up any auto-fills on, and periodically delete them all. If you use LastPass to save all your passwords, do a master reset of all the important stuff and that will create a security boundary. And if [your abuser] is prone to taking your stuff away, keep a burner phone. Those cheap $5 phones that last forever without recharging.

Don't believe their flattery.

        

        Narcissists try and use either extreme flattery or more abuse to keep a victim from leaving. The ultimate goal is to create an environment where the target of the abuse feels they don't have a choice in leaving because the relationship has suddenly become everything they wanted or they are too worn out and fearful to leave. But you do have a choice. Remember that things can be better, and you deserve someone who doesn't play with your emotions.

Reconnect with your friends and family. 

  

      

        Abusive narcissists want to cut you off from your family and friends, so you may not have seen some of the people who are closest to you for quite a long time. The narcissist may have turned you against them by spreading fear and lies because they didn't want you spending time with anyone else. The important thing to remember is not to be embarrassed and scared of how they'll react to seeing you again. Swallow your pride. A lot of people think they're really stupid, or they've been conditioned to think their friends won't believe them. It takes a simple mind shift to realize it doesn't mean you were stupid, it just means you were tricked ... and anybody can get tricked. You'll be surprised at how many people might have suspected — and how much they may have wanted to help you but they didn't know how to.

Don't just leave - Stay away.

        

        When you've left, you may be tempted to go back when reality sets in. Our brains are good at making us remember all the good times and blocking out all the bad after a breakup, and leaving a narcissist is no different. It's not just about leaving, it's making sure you stay left. Be very aware that all the good times you had with them that made you convinced of their potential were probably all a lie... The problem is nobody is 100% bad, and a narcissist is great at pretending to be good.

Don't rush into anything.

       

         People can end up dating similar people over and over because of something called repetition compulsion. Essentially, it means trying to fix the trauma of your past with the present. If you suffered abuse, you may seek out abusive people to try and change them. Or you may end up with people who treat you badly because it feels familiar. So it's vital you work through your pain before launching into another relationship because you might end up hurt again. If you feel you need another partner you have to ask yourself why is that. Figure that out and sort out a game plan with a vision of what you want to be and what you want to do, not what they wanted you to be and do. Reclaim all those things that they stole away from you. When you've healed, you'll have a better idea of what you really need, and who you should be letting into your life. Then you'll be ready to find someone who truly deserves you.

        Leaving a narcissistic relationship is hard. But in the end, you will realize your full potential. You will reclaim parts of yourself that you had forgotten about. 

        It's important to remind yourself that you DO deserve better. You WILL find someone who treats you right. And you WILL be happy again.